The foundation: T.I.SH.A. — 4 lines that de-escalate
(acronym to remember)
Tone calm — exhale 4–6, speak slowly and clearly.
I statement of understanding — “I understand that… / I can see this matters to you…”
SH the “no” template — short: “I won’t be able to… / I won’t take part… / I don’t accept…” (optional short, closed reason: “…because I’m already committed.”)
A Alternative / next step — “I can… / I suggest… / Let’s…”
Core script:
“I understand this is important to you.
I won’t be able to (X) (because I’m already committed).
I can / I suggest (Y/Z).
If that works, let’s do that.”
When they press: repeat the calm “broken record” at most 2 times (no new arguments). Then: “I’ll stop here. We can discuss it when it’s a good time for me.”
⚠️ Avoid overly specific reasons (“At 5 pm I’m taking the kid…”) — they invite negotiation: “Then after 6?” Keep the reason general (“I’m already committed.”).
Variants by situation
1) Boss/manager (power asymmetry)
Goal: a clear “no” to scope/deadline, not to the person. Offer prioritization.
“I understand the deadline is tight.
With the current capacity we can’t do both A and B by Friday.
Options: deliver A + the core of B by Friday and full B on Tuesday; or reduce B’s scope to (X).
What’s the priority?”
Trap: detailed “why it’s hard” opens an argument. Stick to priorities, quality, scope, timeline.
2) Close relative (money/help/time)
Goal: warmth + boundary + a small realistic alternative (another time/other form).
“I can see this matters to you.
I can’t give money / take this on.
I can on Sunday between 10 and 11 / help with transport / check two contacts.
If that works, let’s do that.”
If guilt/pressure appears:
“ I understand this is important to you. My decision is the same. I’m ready to give the help I offered.”
3) Friend/invitation/favor
“I get that assembling the furniture is important.
I won’t be able to this weekend — I’m already committed.
I can next Saturday after 3 pm, or I can send you (X)’s contact.”
4) “Policy/rule” (the safest kind of “no”)
“I understand the request.
I don’t discuss / don’t take on (topic/condition) outside of …
My policy is (X).
If that works, we’ll proceed that way.”
5) “Firm no” (no alternative)
“I understand you want this.
No. I won’t take part in that.
My decision won’t change.
If you like, we can talk about something else.”
2-minute prep (before an important refusal)
- Write one “no” sentence (no justification; optionally add the short general reason).
- Choose one small alternative (if appropriate).
- Rehearse the T.I.SH.A. acronym twice.
- Mark your tension (0–10). Target after the refusal: −2 points or more.
How to measure success (post-conversation checklist)
- I said “no” in 1–2 sentences (without long explanations).
- My tone stayed calm; I spoke slowly (no squabbling).
- I repeated at most 2 times and closed the topic.
- I offered a realistic alternative (if suitable).
- The conversation ended in ≤5 min or was postponed to a time that works for me.
Bonus signal: after ~10 minutes I feel lower tension (SUDS −2 or more) and zero impulsive decisions/messages.
Tough moments and how to respond
- “Why?” (fishing for justification)
“I won’t go into details. My decision is the same. I can… (alternative).” - “Just this once!” (pressure)
“I understand this matters to you. My decision is the same. If you want, we can… (alternative/date).” - “I’m offended.”
“Offending you isn’t my aim. The boundary stays; the relationship matters, that’s why I’m being clear.” - Raised voice at you
“I’ll stop here. I’m ready to continue when we can speak calmly.”
Pocket card
T.I.SH.A.
- Tone — calm
- Statement of understanding
- “No” (short) (+ general reason, optional)
- Alternative / next step
×2 repetitions → “I’ll stop here. Let’s continue when it’s a good time for me.”
Note: The content here is educational and does not replace therapy or medical/financial advice.
If this article helped, go deeper with Defending Against Manipulation — concise scripts and real-life responses, available as Kindle eBook, paperback, and hardcover.
